Intern Sweatshop: Friday Ad Haiku: The King's Comeback

It's late on a Friday, and I'm just getting to posting the haiku our intern wrote a week ago. Somebody's trying to show me up. And I can't do anything about it, because she isn't even taking this internship for credit. Goodie-goodie. But seriously, this is probably the most well-researched haiku I've ever read. And I'm still creeped out by it. Enjoy. -Captain Awesome


For people who grew up in the 90s, Burger King was a McDonald’s wannabe that, for some bizarre reason, didn’t even have a Burger King as their mascot. It wasn’t until 2003 that Burger King’s current advertising agency, Crispin Porter + Bogusky (CP+B), re-introduced the public to the creepy smile of the invasive, sneaking King.


The King hadn’t always been such a creep. Back before the 80s, Burger King had a different sort of king—a friendly, benign cartoon character outfitted with his own entourage of knights (Sir Shakes-a-Lot) and royalty (The Duke of Doubt). Cute, yes, but terribly average.

Then the revolution came—the BK Kids Club Gang dethroned the King, in a (in my opinion) failed attempt to rival McDonald’s gang of clowns, burglars and ducks. Do you remember them? I barely do.


As unmemorable as the BK Kids Club Gang was (Why a club AND a gang? To attract both nerds and gangsters?), all those years with this group of kids only paved the way to the King’s resurrection from the grave. And he has returned to power with a vengeance, creeping into people’s homes and work areas, sneaking upon them unawares, presenting them with a Whopper made just for them.

Our new King basically took a glance at Ronald McDonald, who was only borderline creepy, and said, “Bump being kid-friendly!” And ever since, he’s been terribly successful. He’s just so gosh-darned creepy that you can’t help but pay attention and remember.

So for your Friday haiku: The Burger King

Wake up with the King
Watching tenderly. You won't

Forget him. Ever.

- Hannah Cheng, His Majesty's Creative Intern

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Intern Sweatshop: Friday Ad Haiku: Funny Happy Hour

In my consumer behavior class, we have been looking at various ways to successfully reach your target market. My professor brought up one Heineken commercial in particular for its usage of humor appeal that would attract the "beer drinker."


After viewing this commercial many times, I still couldn't understand what was being said, so eventually I found the English version. It makes me crack up every single time I watch it (although I still think it's funnier in Dutch) and makes me a little thirsty -- just in time for Friday Happy Hour after work!


Make sure your volume is up --just not too loud!




What are some of your favorite humorous commercials?

And now for your Friday Haiku: Cheers!

Five PM Heine-
Why does Dutch equal funny?
Like my beer closet?


-Amanda Gazi, Closet Jealous Creative Department Intern

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Intern Sweatshop: Friday Ad Haiku: For the Sake of Attention

I guess our intern misunderstood when I said, "Just write me something quick." But you gotta love kids who work their tails off for no money, only the slender hope that maybe on Friday someone will bring in donuts. Not this Friday. Hey, that's a hell of a lot better than the intern who used to steal my coffee. The Intern Sweatshop rolls on. - Captain Awesome

This Friday’s haiku was inspired by Falcon Heene also known as “Balloon Boy” and his parents’ attempt at the classic flying saucer-missing boy hoax. This story got me thinking about other advertising "hoaxes" gone awry.

Taco Bell created a stir when word got out that they purchased The Liberty Bell in efforts to reduce the nation’s debt – soon thereafter to be known as “The Taco Liberty Bell.” Thousands of people protested the selling of the Liberty Bell and even more became upset when, a few days later, Taco Bell revealed that this simply was an April Fools Joke. Despite the backlash of this attention-getting joke, Taco Bell’s sales jumped by more than half a million dollars. Let’s see how that annoying Black Jack Taco commercial serves them.

In an effort to stay competitive, Burger King had a light-bulb moment, too. BK decided to advertise their new left-handed Whopper to gain more foot traffic to their stores. When left-handed customers went to the fast-food locations asking for the new Whopper, they became very upset to learn, while standing at the counter, this was only a stunt. Burger King, as a proud lefty, I am offended.

Snapple had the brilliant idea to erect a gigantic 25 foot, 17 ½ ton popsicle in Union Square on the first day of summer. Much to Snapple’s surprise, the temperature reached 80 degrees that day sending a sticky, pink goo down busy Mahattan streets. Snapple reported that they knew the popsicle would eventually melt, they just did not expect it to happen so quickly. FAIL.

How about the Lite Brite invasion that took over the streets of Boston? The effort at guerrilla marketing for the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie went terribly wrong when police officers mistook the Lite Brites for explosive devices. When a marketing campaign causes a bomb scare, something is not right.

So in honor of these advertising Einstein's Your Friday Haiku: Great Hoaxes in Advertising

Taco Bell, B K.
It’s all about deception.
Now, don’t get upset.

-Amanda Gazi, Truthful Creative Department Intern

Previously in the Friday 5-7-5: A Dieter's Epiphany

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Intern Sweatshop: Friday Ad Haiku: Desperate Food

Alright, so we keep our interns busy, but if you had interns as good as ours, you'd put them to work too. Tomorrow, I'm getting my car detailed. So don't judge us. Just enjoy. Now excuse us, it's noon and our interns are taking us out for beers. After all it is Friday. Here's yet another edition of our 938-part series: The Intern Sweatshop.--Captain Awesome.

I think it was during the Atkins diet craze that I saw a bottle of water that had “CARB-FREE!” emblazoned on the side. Staring and smiling, I realized, even at my tender young age, that “____-free!” claims on food items were riding the coattails of popular diets hard. Water, of course, has always been carb-free. Chocolate syrup has always been low-fat, but it only started claiming that fact during the "FAT IS BAD" craze. But the eye-catching starburst catches the twitchy attention of the desperate dieter searching for anything that could wiggle in under his particular food restriction--and voila! A potentially ignored purchase is made.

A more deceptive ploy is the “Made with real _____!” claim. Technically, a smooch of 100% cheese lightly dusted on a thumb and then pressed gently against the advertised cracker validates that claim. The bigger the claim looks on the box, though, the more a Cheez-It sounds like a slice of fresh cheese, and the healthier a loaf of bread "made with whole grain wheat" sounds.

So the moral of this is: food wants to be eaten, regardless of your darn diet--and you will be trapped into eating it.


On that note, Your Friday Ad haiku: A Dieter's Epiphany:

On low-carb diet.
Ugh. Hungry, hungry, hungry—
CHILDREN ARE CARB-FREE!



- Hannah Cheng, Hungry Creative Department Intern

Previously in the Friday 5-7-5: The Writer's Hangover

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Intern Sweatshop: Friday Ad Haiku

Well, today our intern delivers a haiku on what many of us have had to endure at least once in our lives (or we've lied about it and said we haven't--not while working here of course)--going to work...with a hangover.

Let me get this out right away. I'm not advocating drinking. I'm advocating creativity through drinking. My 21+ year old roommate was tossing in bed when I left this morning--hangover. I knew she had to get up and go to work not long after me, so I set up her hangover-suppression routine: one glass of water next to the bed, a Tylenol on the side, another glass of water at the sink, and the path to the bathroom cleared of toe-jamming obstacles.

I’ve done this whole working with hangover thing once--I worked at Potbelly at the time--so you can understand why I've never done that again. When it comes to writing for a living, though, I can’t help but wonder if Absinthe-chugging writers like Mark Twain and Oscar Wilde wrote their best after a serious hangover. Maybe their drinking was basically brain exfoliation: killing off the old, unproductive brain cells to reveal the gushing geysers of legendary creativity.

While I’ve opted out of testing this hypothesis, I fully support anyone interested in thorough experimentation. The Friday Ad Haiku: The Writer's Hangover

Spare the rod and you’ll
Spoil the brain; so punish it
With late night drinking.

-Hannah Cheng, Good Girl Creative Department Intern

Previously in the Friday 5-7-5: Spec Work

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Friday Ad Haiku: Intern Sweatshop

My first month as Renegade’s new Creative Department Intern is drawing to a close. I have toured the office (and gotten lost), met everyone at least twice and moved up from a spot on the couch to a spot in the hallway.

I dreamed about my first day for weeks, but unfortunately, it wasn’t exactly as I imagined. If I could give an advice haiku to future interns on their first day, it would go something like this:

Mad Men martinis,
look good on TV, but here
there’s no drinking. Boo.

So here’s to Friday and travel mugs that hide what you’re drinking! Happy Hour at 3, anyone?

--Erica Campbell, Creative Department Intern

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Friday (Well, Wednesday) Ad Haiku: Writer's Block

There are about 30 minutes to go before the four-day weekend officially begins, and I'm at a loss for words. Not good when you write copy for a living. I've tried sitting in different areas of the office, but different seat cushions and wall colors have done little to help me brainstorm the perfect tagline. I guess at 5:03pm on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I'm allowed to take a break from thinking. Let's hope my boss agrees when he reads this.

I'll try to muster up enough words for a five-seven-five. Today's topic is a writer's worst enemy: Writer's Block.

Zoned out at my desk
I've got the blank Word doc blues
Time for turkey yet?


--Alicia Taft, Course Developer/Copywriter

Last week on the Friday 5-7-5: Intern Sweatshop: Thanksgiving

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Intern Sweatshop: Friday Ad Haiku: Thanksgiving

RUN! SPONGEBOB'S GOT THAT CRAZED LOOK IN HIS EYE!


Having run the cider spigot of haikus dry, we're punting again to our intern this week. Heather, take it away!

Thanksgiving fever is contagious! From great sales at malls to tramplings at Wal-Mart, from football games to cozy autumn food, and from apple cider to...spiked apple cider. It’s hard not to catch it. With a three-day work week, followed by an extended weekend, and enough food to keep you full for days, it’s easily one of the most popular American holidays. This is sadly, completely overshadowing the actual history behind the “holiday” and what truly went down between those pilgrims and Native Americans. But no need to rain on the Macy's Day Parade. Happy Thanksgiving to all!

For Your Friday Ad Haiku Pleasure: Thanksgiving

Turkey, stuffing, pie
Macy’s Day Parade, football!
Enjoy two days off!

--Heather Knapp, Creative Dept. Intern

Last week on the Friday 5-7-5: The Ideal Consumer

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Friday Ad Haiku, Intern Sweatshop Edition: The Ideal Consumer

Some of us see an ad and need to go out and buy that shiny new item right away. I, for one, am the prime example of this stereotype. An ad for flawless makeup, a heavenly body wash, the simplest Internet connection, the tastiest light beer, a getaway cruise…it never stops! I could be deaf and someone could sell me a set of sound speakers with the right flashy pictures and catchy slogans (if I could hear them). Alas, if only every consumer were like me.

For Your Friday Ad Haiku Pleasure: The Ideal Consumer

Ads everywhere
Bigger! Better! More! Faster!
Where’d my money go?

--Heather Knapp, Creative Dept. Intern

Last Week on the Friday 5-7-5: Office Spirit

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Friday Ad Haiku: We Owe You 2

I don't know how often people talk about this in the rest of the corporate world, but at Renegade, liking where you work, and enjoying what you do are two things we feel are really important. Let's face it, you spend about 1/3rd of your waking week at work. If you don't get some enjoyment out of what you do, then let's hope you're one of them "family men," and if not, um, that sucks. Also, this was an excuse to use some of our fun staff photos from Halloween.

Friday Ad Haiku: Office Spirit

Holiday parties.
Summer parties. Halloween.
Annual bake-off.

All great, but two words:
Free Breakfast. Captain Awesome--
Employee 4 life.

Friday Ad Haiku: Halloween

Hot Dog. Fly Rabbi.
Roller Derby. Rainbow Bright.
Party Girl. Kory.

Andy Warhol. Elf.
Twins. Paul Stanley. Asylum
worker--not a costume.

--Captain Awesome, Copywriter

Two weeks ago on the Friday 5-7-5: Screamer Spots

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Your Friday Ad Haiku: Rush Jobs

Always-satisfied
Client, now wants revisions.
Just one hour till press.

Who's idea was a
Happy hour lunch? Type faster.
Stop sweating Seagram's.

Kiss it up to God.
Furiously rub lamp. Pray.
Happy hour, still on.


--Captain Awesome, Copywriter/Happy Hour Specialist


Last Week on the Friday 5-7-5: Blogging

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Your Friday Ad Haiku: Blogging

Blogging about blogging? It's official, we've reached the end of the Internet, or maybe I've uncovered that elusive, yet lazy 5th sign of the apocalypse. Nevertheless, due to Big Matt McD's new legion of hatefans at bthesite.com, I thought it was time reexamine the concept of arguing on the Internet...

...Aaaaaaand it's still incredibly silly and futile, but if you work hard at it, you can piss a lot of people off in just a little time. And what's the worst they can do back to you? Write about it? Like writing words ever accomplished anything. Sure, Thomas Jefferson got his face on Mt. Rushmore and the nickel, but he died with a terrible case of carpal tunnel syndrome, making it incredibly difficult to continually flip England the bird for the remaining 25 years of his life.

For your Friday Ad Haiku Pleasure: Blogging

Just had smartest thought

In history of Western

Civilization.

Must share it with world.

Britney...is...nasty...Also

I love Irony.

--Captain Awesome, Copywriter

Last week on the Friday 5-7-5: The Memo

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Friday Ad Haiku: Stock Photos

We all know stock photography is life saver when it comes to quick turnarounds on print projects, comps for clients and saving huge costs on budgets. But either their search engines need a little work or photographers are really stretching the tags they use for each picture. Here are some gems we've stumbled across for various projects.

Okay, now this guy came up under a search for "lawyer," but really he looks like something out of The Neverending Story or Star Trek.

(These I found with Google.) Either way, unless your firm specializes in cases involving giant flying dogs or is on retainer for the Klingons, this image probably isn't going to help you.


These gems we found under "teacher" and "customer service representative," respectively.

Customer service rep is a world unto itself, because after looking at a dozen images, I started wondering, exactly what is the service industry you're working in? There are some "old" professions out there.

And ironically, while teacher and customer service yield images of sultry models, one of the first images for "sexy" was the first picture below, and the very first image for "woman" yielded a picture of team Japan after the World Crew Championships, and I'm pretty sure that's not even the women's team.












So in honor of the stock photos that save our hides and the many stock photo misfires that completely baffle us, your Friday Haiku:

Stock Photography

"Comp on deadline.
No budget for design. Find
pic of teacher. Thanks."

I searched stock photos
To save our hides. No teachers
But how 'bout a skank?

Previously in the Friday 5-7-5: Offending Customers

-Captain Awesome, Copywriter

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Friday Ad Haiku: Streaming Media

Youtube, Sirius Satellite Radio, watching TV on Web, downloading anything and everything. That's the kind of stuff that can make your T-1 line run like it's 24K. So, to the ADHD officemates who can't live without the newest Justin Timberlake video playing 24/7, this Friday Haiku is for you.

Friday Ad Haiku: Streaming Media

Been uploading to

The ftp server for

Almost half an hour.

Could you stop streaming

Mr. Belvedere for the

Next five minutes? Thanks.

--Captain Awesome, Copywriter

Last Week on the Friday 5-7-5: 4th of July Sales

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Friday (ish) Ad Haiku: 4th of July Sales

We practically let our cynical creative department intern take over the blog this week, but who really does any work around a holiday weekend? The guy who's still here after five the day before a three-day weekend. Have a nice time, Matt, editor, jerk. Anyway, here's Aditya's take on the Friday(ish) Ad Haiku--Cap'n A

More and more stores stay open on holidays, like Independence Day, Memorial Day, Labor Day...Arbor Day, to serve the most avid and deal-spelunking of shoppers. All June I've been seeing commercials featuring finger-pointing Uncle Sam cutouts, "I Want You to buy a new dining set!" and talking barbecue grills, "Have we got some HOT deals!" Please, just give me fireworks, but alas, despite hackneyed advertising schemes, my inner shopaholic still beckons. That dinet set is as good as mine.

So for your Friday(ish) Ad Haiku enjoyment: 4th of July sales.

Don’t use July 4th
To sell me stuff. Use real ploys,
Like mail-in rebates.

--Aditya Desai,

Cynical Creative Department Intern

Last week on the Friday 5-7-5: Viral Marketing

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Friday (Saturday) Ad Haiku: Celebrity Endorsements

Apologies for the day-late draft of this little blog here: I'll clarify why on Monday.

Back to business: I was struck by Taco Bell's publicity stunt to cajole rapper 50 Cent into changing his name to one of the prices on the chain's value menu (e.g. 79 Cent) for a day in exchange for a $10,000 donation to charity. And while this fiasco hits on a number of points--from the stupidity of some agencies' stunts to cross-marketing to brand integrity--I couldn't help but think about the celebrity endorsement aspect. Personally, I see most endorsements as useless wastes of money that could be better spent on a more effective ad execution. The problem is simple: there's usually little to no connection between the celeb and the product they're shilling. What the hell do I care that the chick from Grey's Anatomy drives a Cadillac? So what if Eric Estrada believes I should buy swamp property in Florida?

Where's the connection? Where's the real ethos? You want me to buy something, Mr. Big Shot? You better know what you're talking about, you better use it, and you better live and breathe it so much that you'd do the commercial for free if they asked you to.

Previously in the Friday 5-7-5: Recruiting Millennials.

M.M.McDermott, ACD/Copywriter/This Space for Rent

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Friday Ad Haiku: Advertiser Narcissism

"Call now!" "Buy it today!"

I hate it. That presumptious little throw-in at the backend of a call to action. It's the copywriter's crutch and/or the advertiser's folly. It means nothing and motivates no one--except maybe people who shouldn't be allowed to operate a phone unsupervised anyway. And it's an indication of a great problem: hubris. Too many advertisers think that whatever the audience has going on pales in comparison to the importance of their product.

Didn't they read Macbeth? Arrogance: bad.

Note to people selling products: The public does not care about you. They aren't thinking about you. And while you may live and breathe your product, they don't. Messages that assume they do only makes you look bad.

My two buffalo pennies: Communicate with your audience more humbly, more earnestly. Understand that they are not obligated to listen to you, much less act. Entertain them, give them something of value--make them want to pay attention. And stop operating on the assumption that people will drop everything to make a purchase; even in an on-demand society, that rarely happens. If you've got a great product, the consumers will come.

Never made it to

the funeral. I had to

order a Bowflex.

M.M.McDermott, ACD/Copywriter/Bad News Breaker

Previously in the Friday 5-7-5: Approval by Committee

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Friday Ad Haiku: Approval By Committee

You know the story. The team puts together a campaign that is so good, you're sure someone's going to think you stole it. I mean, this campaign kicks other campaigns' asses and steals their milk money. It's funny. It's poignant. It captures the essence of the client's product, dramatizes it so deftly, you could've etched it onto Leo Burnett's frickin' tombstone, and no one would've protested.

And then it goes to client for approval by committee, which, as far as I can tell is a lot like getting neutered by a mob, one clumsy snip at a time.


At least, that's what I've heard. Our clients don't do that.






He says, "It's approved."

If it's OK with his boss.

And his boss's boss.

M.M.McDermott, ACD/Copywriter/One Man Show

Previously in the the Friday 5-7-5: Tech Support

Other random bitchings from the Creative Department: Top 5 Things a Copywriter Never Wants to Hear; Top 6 "No's" for Captain Awesome; and marketing guys just make crap up.

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Friday Haiku: Tech Support

Oh, we blame your magical rebooting of the great and powerful server every time the printer jams or our email won't send, but without you who would reset our PDAs and explain the difference between turning off our monitors and turning off our computers? Seriously, there's a difference.

So to the guy whose keycard is never more than a foot away, draped around the nape of his neck,

The Friday Haiku: Tech Support

Broke my computer,
Must be your fault. You should've
Known I would do this.

Are we idiots?
Maybe we love to complain.
Or perhaps we like

The twinkle in your
bloodshot eyes. But without you
Here--Lord of the Flies

--Captain Awesome

Last Week in the Friday 5-7-5: The Fridge Raider

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Friday Haiku: Marketing Plans

You may have the best product in the world, but if you don't have some sort of concept on how to get the product to your market and how to make sure the world sees how brilliant it is, it'll remain on the shelf with such other failed inventions like Nuclear Fusion. (Whatever Princeton, keep flouting your Tokamak*, but until I see one in the back of every Delorean in the country, it's just another one of your other pie in the sky ideas the public never bought into. Will anyone get both of those references? I don't care. I do it for the love, not for the fans.) Anyway, for your reading pleasure

The Friday Haiku: Marketing Plans

We've got a plan to solve everything.

Listen to us and your product will sing.

The people will buy.

You won't even have to try.

Wait, this was a limerick. Good thing I'm not in marketing.

Previously in the Friday 5-7-5: Bumper Stickers

--Captain Awesome, Project Specialist

*The Ad Agency Confessional does not consider Wikipedia to be reputable reference source, however, we still do consider it to be pretty awesome.

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