Ad Monologue: The Great White Hope.

I've just seen another ad for the Aquos TV by Sharp. You know, the one with ultra-white astrophysicist Gerard Fasel who walks on screen and tells us we should by these TVs. Because he's an astrophysicist.

My God, that guy is white.

Audience: How white is he?

He's so white, when the commercial fades to black, I still see an imprint of him on my screen. It's like getting sales pitched by a super nova.

He looks like he operates an Ikea in heaven.

He's the only human being whose skin tone contains every color of the light spectrum. His body temperature is 5600 degrees Kelvin. (Holla, photography geeks!)

He looks like the love child of an albino and a blizzard.

It's a good thing the TV's picture is big, clear and easy to see because I'm going to have cataracts by the time this campaign finally wraps.

Vaudevillian piano riff. Exit stage left to polite, scattered applause.