7 (Future) Things About Me

So I was tagged by my pal Jetpacks to provide a view into my inner workings, as per the popular blogger meme, 7 Things About Me. He added a twist to it though: I've got to write seven unknown things about my future self. Seeing as how men in my family rarely make it out of their 50s, this will be mercifully easier than straining to get a glimpse at a future with me as a bawdy, tush-grabbing octogenarian casing the IHOP for sugar packets.

Here they are:

1. After years of hard work, I managed to launch a viable third political party: The Pragmacrats. Unfortunately, I came in last in every local Pragmacratic primary I ran in.

2. I served a three-day prison sentence for trying to re-enact Apple's "1984" ad in a Best Buy.

3. I had my Achilles tendon severed by a broken Jameson bottle in a bar fight with Mickey Rourke's clone.

4. One of the last ad accounts of my career was for a company that surgically implanted Kindle readers into the backs of people's retinas. Unfortunately, the company folded shortly after Oprah Winfrey was blinded during the procedure.

5. I won the lottery, but was unable to cash in after inadvertently composting the lottery ticket - along with 98% of our household waste - in my ZeroCarbonFootprint-o-Matic™ .

6. I was invited to give the keynote address at WalMart University's School of Twittermetrics. Twitter v. 35.2 was down so I did not receive the DM.

7. The Huffington Post fired me from my position as Senior Baltimore news correspondent after realizing the city had been swallowed by the rising waters of the Chesapeake Bay 5 years before I was given the job as Senior Baltimore news correspondent.

And now, I pass the torch to 7 blogger buddies:
TRAC's own Captain Awesome
AdRant's Angela Natividad
Shaun from Prostituted Thoughts
The thoughtful gal over at Thinking in Vain
Ryan @ MGHWOM
Garret Ohm @ Sutter Group
Jorden Bartel from b.

Go forth to taggeth other bloggers, anointed gentlefolk. With great power comes great responsibility.