Friday Ad Haiku: Eating for free at the agency

I'm a liar.

A few haikus back, I made the statement that there are "no free lunches." Metaphorically, that's probably true. But in practice, I've found it couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, I've developed a reputation as an unapologetic mooch. In my time at Renegade (from 2000-2002, and then 2006 to present), I've perfected the art of eating for free.

And now, I'm sharing my secrets. Just remember, with this kind of power comes great indigestion - and the ever-constant threat of an ass-kicking.

1. Anything without a name on it.
At our agency, the policy regarding foodstuffs is simple. Put your name on it. Stick your flag in it. Leave your brand on it. Whatever you have to do, mark it as yours. Otherwise, people like me will swoop down during off-hours to pilfer. Having no name on something is an invitation for lunchtime Communism. When that happens, your yogurt is mine, comrade.

2. Expired frozen foods.
It's inevitable. People get busy. A flustered AE will stick a Lean Cuisine Salisbury Steak dinner under an ice cube tray. A crusty designer will leave a Kashi stirfry dish in the company freezer and forget about it. And time will pass. Epochs. Millennia. At least, it feels like that as I make my weekly rounds, checking to see what stock is about to turn - much the way a winemaker checks his oak barrels, waiting for them to mature. And don't worry about getting sick; the date says BEST if used by April 10, 2007. It's not a warning. It's a suggestion.

3. Expatriate leave-behinds.
Face it. We're in a business that has high turnover. Mercurial personalities. Intense competition. New opportunities. It's a breeding ground for egress. And a fantastic source for free food. I make it a point to check and double check names. When someone leaves to pursue a new career, the last thing they're thinking about is their ham and cheese Hot Pocket.

4. Client meetings.
If you can't manage to get yourself on the account, at least introduce yourself to the client when the food arrives. I'm like a stray dog when clients come in for a lunch meeting, sniffing around the conference room, nosing through leftovers. Half a free bagel beats a whole $6.99 sandwich, know what I'm sayin'? I think you do.

5. Vending machine "shakins".
If your kitchen or cafeteria is blessed with an old vending machine, that's pretty much a guarantee there's free food to be had. Now I'm not advocating stealing. I don't stoop to such things. It's wrong. And I've got a bad back. I'm just saying. Product just kinda slips out of those rusty old spiral holders with hardly any vigorous shaking at all. And for a different kind of shakedown, check the tax license sticker on the side of the machine. You'd be surprised how much cheaper it is for the owner of a vending machine to give a talkative employee free Tastykakes than to pay the license renewal fee.

6. Parties.
I don't care how much you dislike someone at work. If it's their party, you're their best friend. Stand by their side. Give them support and well wishes. Help them cut their cake. As the cake cutter, only you truly know how many pieces someone's had. Help yourself to seconds and thirds. If need be, change clothes or put on a fake mustache each time you come back for more as not to arouse the suspicions of your coworkers.

7. Drivebuys.
If a coworker gets up from their lunch and leaves the room, you've got a window of opportunity. Sneak in for a free bite. But be careful. The laws of the elementary school lunchroom are applicable in perpetuity; don't be surprised if someone licks their french fries or sprinkles copious amounts of pepper on their salad to protect their food from people like you.

So there it is, grasshopper. I've shared my secrets. Use what you've learned wisely, though. And if you get caught. Blame it on the Cap'n. I know nothing.

There ARE free lunches.
But they are not served with a
side of self-respect.


Previously in the Friday 5-7-5: Filchbook.

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Customer Service Strikes Back

At Renegade, sure we do advertising. We also have a studio, produce films and documentaries, and even handle customer service training, a facet of business that may not be as sexy as Superbowl ads and viral videos, but is just as essential to success .

Picture this: You’re standing in line at your local deli counter, coffee shop or fast food chain. The clerk asks if he can help the person in front of you. As they step forward to place their order, they reach toward their purse/pocket to grab their cell phone, “Oh, hey…Standing in line. What’s up…No way.” The burger jockey waits with a painful, painted on smile for the customer to place their order, “May I help y—” But the clerk is cut off by a single finger of silence held up by the oblivious cell phone talker, as if to sneer incredulously, “Can’t you see I’m on the phone…idiot?”

Or how about this: The jackass in front of you picks up their cell phone, steps forward to place their order while continuing their conversation, and the clerk with a genuine smile and air of satisfaction says, “I’ll be right with you as soon as you’re ready,” pointing to the sign that clearly reads, "If you're on your phone, we don't want to interrupt, so we'll just help everyone behind you first." The clerk smiles as you stride forward. Score one for the little guy in the paper hat.

It’s a trend that’s been slowly catching on. From PA to the PCH, all sorts of businesses–coffee shops, gynecologists and everything in between—are standing up for their employees and their customers with one simple request: PUT. THE CELL PHONE. DOWN. According to an article in the Seattle Post Intelligencer, Robbie Stevenson of phonesoff.net has made silencing this daily annoyance into a lucrative business. In 2003, Robbie sold 1,000 $4.95-$6.95 “No cell phone signs.” Today she sells 1,000 a month to companies from the Girl Scouts to Harvard University. The guy in the paper hat cheers and goes back to studying for the bar.

I may talk on the cell phone while strolling around Safeway, but I hang up or tell the person to hold on the moment I get up to that counter. Despite the urgency I feel to continue a conversation about whether or not Nicole Ritchie is “too thin” or if Suri Cruise really is an alien, I can sacrifice for the two minutes it takes to ring up my Mac n’ Cheese and cherry cola. I don’t know, I’ve just always thought people who don’t hang up the phone are rude. And as a former fry flinger (from back in the day when beepers were all the rage), it tickles my heart to hear that somebody is stepping up for the little guy. (Now, if we could only get the swerving land whale SUV drivers to do the same, I might go so far as to say courtesy is making a comeback in our country—but that’s a different rant.)

The point is. Somebody’s getting the message. When you take your customers seriously, they take you seriously, and they appreciate it. The aforementioned article noted that some people complained, but it was about 1 complaint for every 600 “thank you’s.” According to a 2006 survey by the Pew Internet & American Life Project, the Associated Press and AOL, 82 percent of all Americans and 86 percent of cell phone users were irritated by loud, annoying cell conversations in public. THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN!

So in honor of the people speaking, when you think about customer service, think this: “What do our customers really want?” “What would make our customers happy?” And not just the loud, fickle, bully customers whose opinions you’d already know even if they weren’t constantly telling you how to better run your business, but the dedicated customers, too. The ones who’ve stuck with your business through the toughest growing pains, the ones who’ve stayed because they like what you’ve got. Building business is about finding new customers, but it’s also about keeping the loyal customers you’ve got.

Next week we may see Wal-Mart may putting in drive-thrus in the power tool department, but this week, notch one up for customer service.

Captain Awesome, Project Specialist

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