"I like pumping iron, and pumping furniture into peoples' homes."

M.M. McDermott

The potent cocktail of racial harmony and affordable furniture just seems to make everything okay.

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Welcome to Twitter...Hey! Come back!

by M.M. McDermott

Twitter skeptics have a fresh round of ammo to snap into the chamber. Recent news says Twitter's retention rates are in the toilet. If you go weak in the knees for stats and visual aids, here's the Nielson article. Or just look at the sweet chart we liberated from them:


Raw data suggests that 60% of new Twitter users never come back after their first month. Now before you commit Twari Kari (See what I did there? I'm adorable.) consider that there's a pretty good chance those percentages are off. Many Twitter users utilize third party apps like Tweetdeck and Twhirl to carry on their Twitter conversations; Nielson's data doesn't factor in third party app usage. It can only measure those using Twitter's homepage to post. Just taking a look at my twitterstream, I can see that up to 50% of the people I follow tweet using something other than "web". That's a big frickin' blip in the data.

Regardless, I can see why turnover would be high. The Twitter experience depends on relationships and conversations to survive. Otherwise, you're just screaming announcements into the ether like the crack-addled homeless guy in front of the discount store near our house.

One thing social nets like Facebook do well is allow you to quickly build a circle of friends on their site through friend suggestions, contact searches, group and interest queries, etc. With Twitter, it's not that easy. Twitter's people-search function isn't that intuitive. And more refined search functions are only available on third party sites and online directories, not Twitter's homepage.

Everything's fragmented. And fragmentation can be scary for people. Especially when they're new, all alone, staring down at a profile screen with zero followers. You start to feel a bit pathetic. As a rule of thumb, sites that make people feel like losers generally don't track well in the return visit department.

But I've put together a quick Honey-Do list of suggestions for Twitter to boost retention. They're no doubt already considering stuff like this, but I'll throw it out there anyway. After all, it's not brain surgery. Brain surgery's way grosser.

• Boost people-search functionality on Twitter's main page. Include query elements you'd find on sites like Twellow. If that's too much back-end work, at least pick a few trusted third party Twitter search and directory sites and include links to them on Twitter's people-search page. That way, no one has to go off the reservation looking for friends.
  
• Create a regional welcome wagon. Kind of like the neighbors who show up at your front door with pie when you move into the neighborhood. Appoint local Twitterers to reach out to new members, engage them in conversation, suggest friends in the region, etc. If Twitter ever launches a paid Twitter-Pro style account, give the welcome wagon group free accounts. It could be all the incentive they need to help in new user retention efforts.
  
• Provide a more detailed How-To list for new users to follow when they sign up. This will help take the guess work out of establishing the account and building a network. I think LinkedIn does a pretty good job turning their How-To list into a challenge of sorts - a Percentage of Completion bar like you see at a fund raising event. The more you do on LinkedIn (add connections, make recommendations, fill out profile info) the closer you get to that goal. At the end of the day, everyone likes to feel they've accomplished something.
  
• And to piggyback off the previous point, try what 12seconds.tv does. The mini-vlog site awards "badges" to folks who hit milestones: join the site, you get a badge; post a certain number of videos, you get a badge; participate in one of their promotions, you get a badge. Why not give Twitter badges to users for display in profiles. Give badges to those who reach a certain number of posts, followers, and retweets. If you don't think badges work, then perhaps you've never heard of The Boy Scouts of America.

Even if Twitter never enacts any of these, take heart lonely tweeples. You'll always have me.

Unless you're lame. I don't follow lame-oes.

Other tales of Twitter worship here.

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I'm sorry.

by M.M. McDermott

Not me, personally. I mean, sure, we haven't posted in a week, but it's been busy as hell around here. And that's a good thing.

Regardless, I'm excited to finally get around to sharing a great PR article. A dude named Peter Bregman nails the psychology of the apology and its ramifications for business. In short: Customers are more willing to forgive if you're willing to ask for it.

There are few verities in this world. One of the surest is that people make mistakes. And companies are full of people. So if my social calculus serves me, companies are full of mistakes. Usually they're pretty small. Usually.

Like an instance of crappy customer service. A missed appointment. Or a botched pizza order:



Amateur, but honest. Unpolished, but undeniably sincere. Now that's the way one business not only fixes a screw-up, but turns it into an opportunity to humanize the company.

Really, that's what it's all about. Accepting that we make mistakes and owning up to them. And I've got four simple suggestions to help. As someone who messes up all the time, I've tried them all, and they work. Unless you've killed someone or pissed away little old ladies' life savings in a Ponzi scheme:

1. You gotta mean it. It's mind boggling how something so commonsensical and morally obvious is botched on a regular basis by major companies. If you mail in your mea culpa, you run the risk of doing more damage than you would doing nothing at all. People are perceptive animals. We can smell the difference between hubris and humbleness.

2. Ditch the rhetoric. Forget the spin and the sizzle. Just come out with it: I was wrong. Say it in plain English (unless you speak a different language). If you need to, use a sock and some bungee cord to gag the lawyers. And for the love of all that's holy, don't turn an apology into a parade of excuses. People generally care more about why you're sorry than why you did it.

3. Make it right. Apologies are nice, but reconciliation is better. Giving away free stuff, cutting a check, or even demonstrating an intense (and expensive) commitment to not making the same mistake again can make a difference. People want to see you suffer a bit because they've suffered. Give them blood.

4. Don't over apologize. It'll start to annoy people. My wife will attest to that. Be sorry, and be done with it. Customers will generally let you know if they expect more.

Now go mess something up and practice.

Also in the Apologies Gone Wild department: A-Roid copyrights "young and stupid."

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Friday Ad Haiku: Promotions and Giveaways

by Alicia Taft

Baseball is back! This year, I was lucky enough to enjoy my first Baltimore Orioles Opening Day. In addition to perks like watching the O's beat the Evil Empire and participating in Mark Teixeira's first game of Baltimore boos, I received an Orioles magnetic schedule, car magnet, and a scratch off ticket worth $3 (a third of a beer!).

Promo nights rule. April 10th was Fleece Scarf Night at Camden Yards, and you know those first 10,000 fans 15 and over are going to cherish that free piece of fleece, even if it's not exactly seasonally relevant (but then again, they might not get 10,000 fans 15 and over in chilly September, when the Orioles are usually continuing their painful fall down the basement steps*).

Ad Agency Confessional's own Matt McDermott was lucky enough to score this promo gem.


It's like the "but wait, there's more" of the baseball world, and the more could be a complimentary set of six official MLB toothpicks for all I care. It's something extra. More bang for my buck.

I unfortunately missed my opportunity to score the scarf, so I started poking around the Internet for some other baseball giveaways. A list of the most interesting promos of the 2008 MLB season includes fake soul patches and--yes--more cowbell. And 2009 MLB promos include Jayson Werth blankets for the ladies (sponsored by Motrin) and sandbox sets.

Pop some Motrin and snuggle with Jayson

But over the past few years, Minor League Baseball has really stolen the show. In addition to the typical t-shirt, magnet, bobblehead and hat freebies, some teams have come up with promotions that raise an eyebrow, like an eighteen-and-a-half minute Watergate moments of silence, an entire five innings of silence, paying customers to park, sheets of cork, and Turkish lira. Not to mention one team's "Van Down by the River" Night for this season.

These off-the-wall strategies can even pique the interest of non-fans, and perhaps turn them into regulars. Make them come for the promotion, but stay for the game--and maybe even keep coming back. Maybe you're not the head of marketing for a sports team. But if you're looking to drive in customers, maybe it's not so bad to step out of the batter's box every once in a while and try something out of left field. Yes, I am clever. Thanks for noticing.

So, bringing it back to the Friday Ad Haiku, today's topic is Promotions and Giveaways.

Glow-in-the-dark fan?
Of course I'll take one of those.
Just because it's free.

*I am merely pointing out trends of seasons past. I still have hope that my beloved team will surprise me this year. Why not, right?

Previously in the Friday 5-7-5: Eating FREE at the agency

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Sham-Wow for the Soul

by M.M. McDermott

From the parody files, New York Catholic churches (specifically the archdioceses of Brooklyn, Long Island and Queens) pay a holy homage to creepy Sham-Wow Vince.

Behold: Soul-Wow. While it's not made in Germany, it does promise to give you that "almost Baptised feeling."

As a sloppy Roman Catholic, I suppose I'm the target market for both.





Godularly related: What Would Jesus Drink?

Tip of the Papal Mitre to our buddy ol' pal, 'Packs, for the find.

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The less you talk, the more I love you.

by M.M. McDermott


Count on someecards to dredge the real muck of the human heart. While its twitspiration is obvious, really, couldn't it be the rule of engagement for most relationships? Husband and wife. Teacher and student. Advertiser and consumer. It's all the same.

Think about that while I kill my heart with Easter ham leftovers for breakfast.

Thanks to our favorite expatriate for the e-bon mot.
Je hais les bérets et Camus m'ont toujours ennuyé.

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Hyundai buyer assurance plan takes it a step further

by M.M. McDermott

Hyundai kicked the car industry in the ass when it offered to cover three months of payments for buyers who lose their jobs. If that weren't enough, they allowed folks to return their cars without penalty if they were still unable to nab a job. It was a brilliant idea that knocked down some of the biggest barriers for consumers in these sketchy economic times.

Of course, others have jumped on the altruist bandwagon. So what's Hyundai going to do to step up their game? Cube-dwellers, some language NSFW:

Hyundai Assurance Commercial - watch more funny videos

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